this chaos, this calamity.

i didn't do a project for my nutrition class. fail. it was a weekly log of the things we ate every day. i resisted and decided that i didnt need the points and could make it up with extra credit and killer final -- i know i have bad eating habits. i've had issues like this since i was in high school, so it's whatever. my professor asked me to come meet with her about not doing the project and we scheduled a time and i went today to chit chat. i didn't intend on having the conversation with her that i ended up having. she's adorable. she asked me about my day and i told her about how i had to get up and be in a site specific dance piece and she asked me about it...it was cute. then she was like 'so why didn't you do that one project, deej?' and i was like 'i kinda forgot about it' - lie, 'and i did all of the extra credit to try to make up for it, i guess.' she gave me a couple options about what i could to do improve my grade (i really want at least a B and it's close) and started talking about how in the project you have to spend so much time logging the meals... and i started to cry. WHAT?! i mean, it was so weird because i had no idea i was going to end up talking to her about my stupid food problems. the look on her face after i told her almost made me dissolve. she took the project grade out of my percentages - she is going to completely disregard those absent grades when calculating my final grade. i was so surprised that she was so understanding and fully supportive and kind toward me and my situation. wow. i've been better lately, though, i think.

you can paint your number on my face, but i'm not into sleeping at someone else's place.

so, a lot is going on right now.

i'm at the end of my junior year of college. weird. which obviously also means i'm almost in my last year of undergrad. when did that even happen? when did i get to be here so quickly? time really does fly...

we had an end of year picnic at the park and it was really precious. some of us had too much to drink. "some of us" being me and my room mates. almost the entire theatre department played kickball in the rain and it was one of the coolest things ever. it was POURING DOWN and we were all just stoked to be together. i'm going to miss these people so much over the summer. like, i love them so much. we spend hours upon hours together in rehearsals and classes and it's hard not to get really attached to people... they were my friends and now they're my family. chelsea made a slideshow, but i haven't seen it yet. i haven't said goodbye to a lot of people like i would normally. i'm scared of saying bye this time for some reason. i don't know why.

last night i went to a friend's apartment to study for my dance history & philosophy final (WHICH WAS AT 8AM) and on the way in the rain, i slipped on a beer bottle and stumbled a little bit in front of some people on their porch. they were waiting for blood, i think. too bad i tricked them. hours later when i left, it was raining harder and i was wearing jorts and i was cold and miserable and that same fucking beer bottle came out of nowhere and i tripped into a puddle. remind me again why i hate my life?

i woke up at 4am to vom. i was full of booze and greasy food and i guess my stomach wasn't feeling it. then i cried because i thought i had the swine flu. then i pulled up my big boy pants and realized i was just an idiot. i still haven't been able to eat anything. that's a lie, i had two bites of a blueberry biscuit, which made me want to die. worst.

my math final kicked my ass. i hope i pass the class. it would have helped if i would have gone to class. i think i did okay on my dance final. not sure what i'll get in that class. my philosophy and nutrition finals are tomorrow. no clue how those are going to end up. i don't have anything on wednesday except a dance performance in the morning that i don't know yet. then my acting final is on thursday, which is going to kick ass. i have a book report, rehearsal journal and class journals to finish and turn in and then i have to do my scene for a grade. rachel and i are doing a scene from 'torch song trilogy' by harvey fierstein. basically i'm this gay man (weird) named arnold and his lover recently got murdered in a hate crime and the scene consists of a really dramatic fight between arnold and his mother (played by rachel blankenship). i love how i don't care about anything except for my theatre class. my gpa used to be super duper, but... things change.

with the semester ending, i'm going home for a few days. i'll hopefully get to see some people and do some sassy things. i doubt it, though. i always end up getting really weird and depressed when i go home. maybe it's because i'm a nomad? honestly, i just stay at random places with various people. i always go look at my old house, though. which makes me sad most of the time. i just really miss jara. and i miss sam. and i miss sarosi. and i miss richmond... i miss home. but old home, not 'home' that i have now. i want to sit on my old porch or swim in my old pool, lay in the grass in the front yard.

i can't believe i'm only 20.