oops, i made another one.

http://deejaygray.tumblr.com/

add me there.

<3

all bark and no bite.

first of all, the new mandy moore cd is surprisingly good. download 'fern dell' or 'merrimack river' ...this album is a lot more 'coffee shop' than anything she's ever done. i caught myself listening to 'fern dell' on repeat for like an hour yesterday. idk, check it out if you want.

so i have some sort of a virus that has been making me miserable for about a week and to say that i'm over it is a huge understatement. i hate being sick: snotty noses, upset stomachs, terrible migranes, coughing up my damn lungs. i mean, why can't i just be healthy all the time and just be like 'no thanks' whenever i'm feeling ill? that'd be nice, right?

my brother graduates from high school on friday night. it's weird to think that he's going through what i was going through 3 years ago. (wow, it's already been 3 years since i graduated from high school?) he hates school so much, whereas i loved it, but i guess it's a relief to graduate no matter how much you like/dislike it. i don't know what he plans to do when he's done with school, which makes me a little bit uncomfortable. i've known exactly what i wanted to do with my life ever since i was a baby. shit, i even remember practicing my Oscar acceptance speech in the mirror with a hair brush as my award. but to think that he doesn't really know what to do is strange. ambivalence killed the cat, i say. but walter is a smart kid and i love him and he's going to be fine. if worse comes to worse, i can hire him to clean my Oscar every once in a while when i get it, right?

the past couple of days have been pretty intense. theresa, allen and i went on a road trip to kentucky to see our professor, wesley's, play that he was directing. the travel time from here to there is supposed to be a little bit over 7 hours, but we got lost in the 6th hour and the trip went to shit at that moment. i asked allen if he wanted me to print out the mapquest directions, but since wes had already given him directions, i was told that i didn't need to print anything out; "we're perfectly fine." - wrong. it took us about 5 hours to finally get to the theatre. needless to say we had missed the entire show. we called everyone (theresa's dad was on the phone with us for a solid hour, guiding us to the light at the end of a very dark and ridiculous kentucky tunnel of confusion) to figure out where we were and what we needed to do. getting lost is something i hate more than anything else in the entire world. unfortunately, it happens to me a lot because i have ZERO sense of direction. we called wes to see where he wanted to meet up with us. he didn't want to meet up with us. he was tired. he needed to drive back the next morning. i'm devastated to say the very least. we traveled so far to see a play with a plot that none of us especially cared to see, but we wanted to support our professor, and more importantly, our friend. i don't know if the latter is so much true anymore. it broke my heart to hear him tell me that i should turn around and drive back. i didn't have to wake up the next morning and drive home, i had to do it then. what kind of an educator does that to their students? more importantly, what kind of a friend does that to a person? the very least he could have done was said hey and thanks for attempting to see his show. i'm sure he was sad that we didn't make it to the performance, but we were as well. i don't know what to say to him when i talk to him next. i want to say that i'm hurt. i want to say that i haven't been this hurt by someone in a long time. i want to tell him that he's selfish. i want to tell him that he's rude. but i can't say those things to him, he's my professor. even though he's my friend, he can turn the switch from pal to disciplinarian at any second.... you think you know a person and come to find out, you don't know anything.

living with erin has been really funny. i'm glad she's here. i miss sam a lot, but it's nice that erin fills that void. not that sam and erin are especially similar, but erin and i laugh a lot together and we like to spend our time together. i think everyone needs to have people around them constantly who make them feel important or make them happy. and erin does that and i hope i do that for her as well. she got a job at a coffee shop and she's pretty stoked about it. starting today, she and i are going to be at work at the same time and playing with each other as soon as we're out, so that's a great success. we put pictures of president garfield in our rooms... because we like lasagna. obviously.

i guess i don't really have a lot else to say. i've been depressed lately. i hate worrying about money and i hate how money effects the people around me. 

i'm realizing that i've wasted a lot of my time on people who don't matter to me. in the grand scheme of things, there are very few people i value a lot in my life. but more importantly, there are fewer people that i care a lot about and know care about me as well. i just feel like maybe i need to weed people out of my life. not to be mean to them, but to keep myself sane. and i also think it's okay to be selfish. i don't understand why there is such a negative light cast on making sure that you look out for yourself. would i ever do something bad to someone to advance myself? i don't think so. but do i worry about my own well-being? of course. and you should too.

this chaos, this calamity.

i didn't do a project for my nutrition class. fail. it was a weekly log of the things we ate every day. i resisted and decided that i didnt need the points and could make it up with extra credit and killer final -- i know i have bad eating habits. i've had issues like this since i was in high school, so it's whatever. my professor asked me to come meet with her about not doing the project and we scheduled a time and i went today to chit chat. i didn't intend on having the conversation with her that i ended up having. she's adorable. she asked me about my day and i told her about how i had to get up and be in a site specific dance piece and she asked me about it...it was cute. then she was like 'so why didn't you do that one project, deej?' and i was like 'i kinda forgot about it' - lie, 'and i did all of the extra credit to try to make up for it, i guess.' she gave me a couple options about what i could to do improve my grade (i really want at least a B and it's close) and started talking about how in the project you have to spend so much time logging the meals... and i started to cry. WHAT?! i mean, it was so weird because i had no idea i was going to end up talking to her about my stupid food problems. the look on her face after i told her almost made me dissolve. she took the project grade out of my percentages - she is going to completely disregard those absent grades when calculating my final grade. i was so surprised that she was so understanding and fully supportive and kind toward me and my situation. wow. i've been better lately, though, i think.

you can paint your number on my face, but i'm not into sleeping at someone else's place.

so, a lot is going on right now.

i'm at the end of my junior year of college. weird. which obviously also means i'm almost in my last year of undergrad. when did that even happen? when did i get to be here so quickly? time really does fly...

we had an end of year picnic at the park and it was really precious. some of us had too much to drink. "some of us" being me and my room mates. almost the entire theatre department played kickball in the rain and it was one of the coolest things ever. it was POURING DOWN and we were all just stoked to be together. i'm going to miss these people so much over the summer. like, i love them so much. we spend hours upon hours together in rehearsals and classes and it's hard not to get really attached to people... they were my friends and now they're my family. chelsea made a slideshow, but i haven't seen it yet. i haven't said goodbye to a lot of people like i would normally. i'm scared of saying bye this time for some reason. i don't know why.

last night i went to a friend's apartment to study for my dance history & philosophy final (WHICH WAS AT 8AM) and on the way in the rain, i slipped on a beer bottle and stumbled a little bit in front of some people on their porch. they were waiting for blood, i think. too bad i tricked them. hours later when i left, it was raining harder and i was wearing jorts and i was cold and miserable and that same fucking beer bottle came out of nowhere and i tripped into a puddle. remind me again why i hate my life?

i woke up at 4am to vom. i was full of booze and greasy food and i guess my stomach wasn't feeling it. then i cried because i thought i had the swine flu. then i pulled up my big boy pants and realized i was just an idiot. i still haven't been able to eat anything. that's a lie, i had two bites of a blueberry biscuit, which made me want to die. worst.

my math final kicked my ass. i hope i pass the class. it would have helped if i would have gone to class. i think i did okay on my dance final. not sure what i'll get in that class. my philosophy and nutrition finals are tomorrow. no clue how those are going to end up. i don't have anything on wednesday except a dance performance in the morning that i don't know yet. then my acting final is on thursday, which is going to kick ass. i have a book report, rehearsal journal and class journals to finish and turn in and then i have to do my scene for a grade. rachel and i are doing a scene from 'torch song trilogy' by harvey fierstein. basically i'm this gay man (weird) named arnold and his lover recently got murdered in a hate crime and the scene consists of a really dramatic fight between arnold and his mother (played by rachel blankenship). i love how i don't care about anything except for my theatre class. my gpa used to be super duper, but... things change.

with the semester ending, i'm going home for a few days. i'll hopefully get to see some people and do some sassy things. i doubt it, though. i always end up getting really weird and depressed when i go home. maybe it's because i'm a nomad? honestly, i just stay at random places with various people. i always go look at my old house, though. which makes me sad most of the time. i just really miss jara. and i miss sam. and i miss sarosi. and i miss richmond... i miss home. but old home, not 'home' that i have now. i want to sit on my old porch or swim in my old pool, lay in the grass in the front yard.

i can't believe i'm only 20.

the boys are too refined

things are really good right now and i have a lot of hope for the future.

medea ran this weekend and i'm have pretty bitter sweet thoughts about it now. sure, i'm glad i get my afternoon and evenings back - no more meetings throughout the day, rehearsals or performances. but on the other hand, this is the last show i'm going to be working on with some pretty important people who are about to graduate. rachael lang is such an inspiration. she spent hours and hours working and developing her perception of medea. she gave a stunning performance and everyone who saw the show and said anything to me commented on her vocal work in the production. john long was a great jason. he was strong and smart and he worked very hard on the role and he gave a great performance as well. i'm sad to not get to work with either of these people again (in school, that is). rachael was in my first directing project at school - we directed scenes in directing 1 class and she was 'becca' in my rabbit hole scene. john was in my first one-act, line last spring. both of them were great to work with and now they're going on into the real world. i guess my biggest hangup with the entire 'missing people' situation is that they get to go and do their thing, but i'm still in school waiting to do the same. it's weird, too, because i feel like i have a huge case of 'senioritis,' which is ridiculous because i'm only at the end of my junior year. those thoughts have got to go because i won't have time to be a piece of shit.

other exciting news: i found out today that i'm directing a main stage show next year! i'm so excited. it's the first time a student has directed on the main stage in about 5 years, so that's pretty awesome too. the show is liza and the riddling cave and it's about this mute girl who's father goes missing into the Appalachian mountains where there is a magic cave where anyone who goes inside gets frozen if they can't answer the cave's riddle. basically nobody thinks liza is worth a damn, especially her mother, but the girl is really close with her father and she's devastated when her father doesn't come home. her and her brother decide they need to go find their dad and long story short, liza - whose only talent is solving riddles - solves the riddle to free her father from the icy cave, which is possessed by the first two people to get trapped in the cave. it's a children's show, so the script is pretty simple and that makes it really open to interpretation. i'm thinking that with my production, i want to introduce the kids (probably 5th graders) to modern dance. i have a few reasons for that: 1) starting next year, we're going to be 'the school of dance & theatre' and that will be a great way to begin integrated people into this new collaborative effort that is going to leave a bunch of people feeling slightly alienated, unfortunately. 2) i like modern dance a lot and i think the story allots to movement, seeing as how liza is mute. i'll probably cast a dancer or a very movement oriented actress into the title role and go from there. 3) i've never seen a kids show like that. also, i already know i want to have a crazy light show. i think spectacle is going to be everything with this production. i also want to work with musicians. i want everything for this show, actually.

and if all else goes well, i'll hopefully have an independent study my last semester, where i get to direct something outside of the school and have it performed in the studio. that'd be pretty ridiculous. it's so great to think about the possibilities, isn't it? 

i've decided a long time ago that i want to start my own theatre company. i want to be able to produce high-quality, technologically forward theatre to a young and enthusiastic audience. i want to enlighten and inspire the community. i want to introduce new works into the theatre world and maintain and often rethink the ones that are already a staple in theatre history. i want to work with artists who have the same passions as i do. i really just want to make art and support myself by doing so. the real problem lies in HOW it's going to happen. really, though. i need to know.

i have a performance year-end review, a directing year-end review and a technical year-end review. i'm going to be reviewed out by the end of this week. i'll be talking about stage managing medea and box office management and probably possibly designing next year since i'm taking the intro to design class. melissa is directing rabbit hole and i'd love to do costumes or set for that - how cool would that be? any experience to make me more delicious to employers is what i'm looking for at this point haha. oh and john klenk is directing hal pinter's the homecoming and that's going to be amazing as well. i'd love to get cast in some shows when i'm not directing next year, but i won't hold my breath. that is really the only thing i haven't felt like i've been given the right chance at: having a really big, juicy role. i've been working so hard in acting class this year and i feel like it's about damn time, yanno?

until next time...

stand up or shut up.

A couple weeks ago, I sat in amazement while listening in the Open Forum held on campus to discuss the university’s budget and program revision plans. People were pissed. People had opinions. And no one was scared to talk about them. And now I sit at my desk and I look at my calendar and we are currently in the month of April in the year 2009. It’s strange to think that the closest I’ve gotten to a protest or a riot is sitting patiently and getting nervous when someone nicely asked a question that I thought was going to strike a wrong nerve with someone else in the auditorium. Frankly, I was anxious for the potential confrontation. Which is strange, because if we rewound through history, we could place ourselves in a time when you could simply go into the streets and start a quasi-revolution with your neighbors over the prices at the local market. A few years ago, when I would read about widespread National Disapproval of our Present, I thought: why is no one doing something about this? Why aren’t we standing up for our rights? So even today, if there are so many problems that need to be fixed, and so many people are being so negatively affected, then why aren’t we standing up and saying something about it?

There are a few ways to look at this issue. One would be that we think our concerns will go unnoticed. What we have here is the typical “my vote wouldn’t count” or “what good can one person do?” analogy that has been a negative attribute in our society around election times forever. Throughout history, the complaints of the people have often gone unnoticed. Six years ago last month, when our troops went into Iraq, the American people let out an almost unanimous breath of discontent. Many people wondered why we were putting ourselves into that position and for what valid reasons we should stay. Sure, reaching out and lending a helping hand to a needing neighbor is something that we should all encourage, but if our country is being divided over it, how much help are we giving our own country?

On the opposite side of the spectrum, maybe people feel that their concerns are actually being addressed and dealt with, thus not needing to say anything. Since the election of President Obama, it seems that many people feel as if the problems they have will be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel very soon. The Obama Administration is reassuring to many people: they seem to accept that our country is not in the best place and that there is a lot of change that needs to happen before we can start to sleep a little bit more easily at night. So until that day comes, a lot of folks are wading time and keeping faith in the leaders of our land to see us all through.

Another way to think about it is the current status of technology in the world. In my opinion, technology separates us in a much more serious fashion than we may have previously thought. Sure, as I sit at my laptop and write this, I’m falling victim to that as well, but when was the last time you went somewhere and didn’t encounter at least one person with their cell phones in tact, furiously texting away? And I know for a fact that more than half of most college campuses are filled with constant Facebook-ers, constantly updating their statuses to inform everyone of their own issues. So, why are we limiting these problems to our fingertips? Why aren’t we speaking out and escaping the blog-osphere and letting people hear what our issues with our world are today? We can’t help to get rid of the poor public school systems or resolve the same-sex marriage issues and come to an understanding if we don’t act out on our most often passionate feelings on the subjects.

Something else to consider is the thought that there are many people who remain completely uninformed of issues that threaten our daily lives because they are not in the direct aim of fire.  Mommy and Daddy gives them enough money to support their shoe fetish and have enough left over to spend on booze over the weekend, so they keep themselves detached from what people are calling the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression. It is our responsibility as citizens to make ourselves knowledgeable of the problems around us, whether they directly involve us or not. We shouldn’t wait around to get shot in the face to know about the Gun Show Loophole travesty. There is no time like now to start opening your ears and eyes to what is around you.

Or maybe people are simply embarrassed. They don’t want to say anything about those people at work who are getting laid off because the company they have been working for since before their last child was born is going under. No one wants to upset the American Dream: two and a half kids with a white-picket fence around beautiful homes. Sometimes admitting that you have a problem is the hardest part. But instead, it seems that people are satisfied with keeping their mouths shut and struggling to pay their bills at the end of the month.

Things have got to change. We can no longer sit idly by while we see our rights being taken away or our worlds changing in a way that we don’t want it to. The fate of our country – and more importantly, our own future are constantly at stake and who better to fix our problems than you and me? It is our moral obligation to search for hope in a time when hope can seem so far away. Whether it be going to an open forum and expressing frustration with your academic program losing funding or standing up as being a busy arts student saying that your days are packed and making people aware of it, we can all do our job in simple revolutions that shape our world. Anger can turn itself into something powerful; whining on your Facebook status or personal blog is no way to effectively promote change. However, using those as means of civil advancement is a starting point. That very anger can inspire real criticism, nonviolent public noncompliance. Only then will we be able to improve our shared society into a place we all want to live – furiously invading the streets, taking a deep breath and actually talking to one another about our issues. We are currently in a pivotal moment in history and apathy is killing the nation; so, honestly we need to stand up or shut up.

so, what would an angel say? the devil wants to know.

h e a v e n h e l p m e f o r t h e w a y i a m.
save me from these evil deeds before I get them done.
i know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand,
but I keep living this day like the next will never come .



i'm getting tired of it all. fakes, frauds, faults, fall outs.
why can't everything just be consistent?

i cleaned the apartment this morning. now all i want to do is clean my life.

wah wah wah. someone needs call call whine-11 and get me a waaaah-mbulance.

whatever, back to my wine, i suppose.

i'm feeling good from my head to my shoes.

i'm beautiful.

i'm beautiful.

i'm beautiful, damnit.

the vagina monologues was presented this weekend at school. i had a bunch of friends in it and it was directed by one of my role models. i absolutely loved the show. i kind of went into it thinking "ew vaginas, this is going to make me vomit," but it was actually really funny and touching at the right moments. ha! touching. the vagina monologues. i crack myself up. which reminds me: there have been so many vag jokes because of this play. so funny.

i'm working on my directing application for next year. basically, i have a lot of writing and analyzing to do. the play is FAR AWAY by caryl churchill. the play is nuts. in a nutshell: politics. war. metaphors. crazy town, usa. i love plays like this, though, so picking it apart is exciting and interesting. i'm so gay for the abstract. the application is due on tuesday and i'm pretty sure it's going to rock. i have so many weird/awesome ideas for things to be put on a stage. all i ever want to do is create. thank god that's what i'm doing with my life, haha.

i'm doing okay, i think. i've been smoking less cigarettes, which is a great success. i've been drinking less, too. actually, that's not true. i've been drinking about the same amount as i normally do, but i've been smoking less. fifty percent better? i'm not sure. i still use the computer too much. i guess one of the things is that i've been too busy to sit around, so maybe that's why it feels like i've been on the computer less, but i really haven't. i had a tricky time with that one just now.

PEOPLE NEED TO LEARN TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEMSELVES.

i'm kind of tired of having to clean up after the people who come into my apartment. i love my room mates and i love everyone who comes to my apartment on a regular basis, but if i didn't feel like i was babysitting 24/7 i would be so much more enjoyable to have around, i think. i try not to stay in my room all the time, but whenever i go into the living room, there are normally people scattered about with their own individual messes that will be left to be cleaned up by someone else. i try to drop hints and i try to avoid being a bitch, but i guess people can't catch a clue (-- i just accidently typed blue and laughed). it'd be nice to feel like i was around a bunch of responsible adults, but that's just not how it is.

i'm wondering when you get to the point in college when you're less like a child and more like an adult. i guess i struggle to see that in a lot of other people and not myself as much. i am always the first person to admit that i'm wrong and i am also very good at knowing when i've done something wrong. i think my morals are pretty much in tact in all the right places. but having fun with your life doesn't mean you're immature, it means you know how to have fun, right?

i found out that a girl that came into the theatre department as a freshman like i did just popped out a baby. isn't that crazy. i was working on a play with that girl just two and a half years ago and, since losing touch for a while, now she's got a baby! holy smokes. i can't imagine being responsible for a child at, what, 21? i look around at some of the people i see every day in class and i can't imagine those people being responsible for a child either. however, many of those people are barely able to manage their own lives, much less another one. but let me tell you this: when the day comes that i feel i am emotionally and financially able to have a kid, i'm going to have one. i'm not sure how yet (i mean, i understand the obvious stipulations of course) but it's going to happen somehow.

i guess i should probably find someone to have a baby with, then, hmm? cathleen and i would make a pretty baby. maybe i'll ask her to make me a baby. she loves me enough.

whoa, when did it get to be past 1 am. i need to go to bed. all i want is a glass of milk and a cookie. and a baby. damnit.

wait, do you see my heart on my sleeve?

i'm in such a weird mood today. i have a lot of work to get done, but i'm procrastinating {as usual} and doing everything except the things that i need to do. for some reason, i've had the worst time focusing lately. even reading, i find that i'm thinking of other things, but still looking at and recognizing all of the words that appear before me. what does that mean? i'm distracted by everything and it's killing me. 

i'm too attached to my computer. no person should be on their computer as much as i am. but what do i do? i listen to music and refresh my Facebook page a thousand times in a row. unhealthy. i'm a freak. my friend andrew deactivated his Facebook account because he felt like he was on there too much. maybe that's something i should think about. i mean, why do i use it? i like to keep in touch with people and see what's going on with other people's lives. i'm obsessed with connection, i think. or, maybe i'm just nosy. i wonder if i could spend a week without being on the computer. do i care enough about this attachment to detach myself, though? i never read anymore, unless it's online or i have to do it for class. i never read for fun anymore and that's something that used to be so important to me. i used to go through so many books in a week and what do i do now? wow, embarrassing.

i don't understand the whole philosophy of being really secretive - especially from your friends. like, what is that? shouldn't we be sharing our life experiences and world views? lately, i've felt like people are keeping things from me. things that they tell other people, but not me. why is that? i know i have a big mouth, but i'm also a good friend. wait, i am a good friend, right? i wonder if i actually believe that. i hate being left out and i hate feeling like there's a reason for it. am i so disillusioned to believe that everyone wants to let me know everything or am i optimistic? there's such a thin line between the two. i pray for the latter.

or, maybe i'm just giving it all away. maybe i should learn to keep things to myself more often. is keeping secrets from everyone else healthy? are there things in our own worlds that need to be kept in one place? god, i ask so many questions. i wish i could be sure of something for once.

i'm so down on myself lately. i feel like i'm useless, dumb and untalented. i'm tired of feeling sorry for myself all the time. but how do you go about fixing that? i wish i could just put a huge band-aid on my life and wait for it to heal. wouldn't that be so cool? to be able to just have all of the problems in our lives eliminated in such an easy fashion. but that's too easy and nothing comes that easy in life, right? isn't that what we're always told by everyone around us? suck it up, kid. make things work for yourself. turn that frown upside down.

i need to get over myself and smile a bit, pussy cat. i'm gonna go snuggle with sam and laugh like little kids...and tomorrow i'll get everything i need to get done finished.

thank god there's always a tomorrow to look forward to. if for no other reason than for it to have the potential to be better than the day previous.

too much of your mouth is like too much sun.

i want to completely change almost everything about my life.

no one on the corner have swagger like us.

i don't have any classes today. my nutrition class was canceled because it's almost spring break and my teacher is a nice young lady who hasn't become jaded yet. wesley canceled acting class because a lot of people in the class are already gone to setc anyway. so, the room mates and i have been wasting the morning away. i love days like this.

i just called highlander pizza to order lunch and the lady and i could not have had a more confusing time understanding each other. she hated me, too. i was saying all the wrong things and it was the worst conversation i've ever had in my life. i hate days like this.

i'm really digging my new obsession with blogging. i've had so many before, but i've always seemed to not actually be into it for some reason. it's like i've liked the idea of having a blog, but never really used it properly. idk. but i'm stoked about this one because i seem to actually be updating it. maybe because i don't expect people to read it now like i have before? i'm not sure, but i guess whatever my reason for doing it isn't that important as long as i'm doing it. weird sentence. moving on.

my grandma asked me to 'go out to the theatre' with her next week for when i'm supposed to be home for spring break. i think i'd rather come back home after charlie's going away party and be here by myself and get some work done. i always say i'm going to get work done and i fart around on facebook all day.  whatever. i did laundry and the dishes just now, i'm not going to be hard on myself haha.

we took out three huge black trash bags full of beer (and soda?) cans and bottles to take to recycle and the maintenance man took them out to the dumpster when he came and fixed our washing machine at the butt-crack of dawn this morning. i heard someone knock on the door and i was laying in bed naked and i knew i didn't have the morning energy to get clothes on and answer the door for   a n y b o d y ! luckily, my room mates boyfriend aka my other room mate, adam, got the door and let the dude fix the washer. side note: i hate that fucking washing machine, it breaks every fucking week.

holy shit, my pizza just got here. delicious times.

erin bresse is coming to my apartment right now and i'm very excited. i love erin so much. she's always willing to talk about whatever or do whatever and is always so enthusiastic about everything. any and all haters should see life more simply and enjoy the presence of good people and good times. whoa, where did that come from? anyway, bresse and i are always up to some silly shenanigans and laughing at each other and that's what's important in life, i think.

i have a lot of reading to do over break. i went and checked out 10 plays and a book about theatre from the library last night with theresa. we have a book report due in acting class, so we both wanted to get a lot of reading material for break. so far, i've looked through two of them and read one of them. smoking cigarettes on my back porch when the sun is warm, reading a book is one of my favorite things to do.

actually, i think i'll do that now. the day is beautiful and i'm happy.

article for the school paper - i'm awesome

Okay, I have a problem. When I was 3 years old, I was cast as Baby Jesus in my Church’s Christmas Extravaganza. A few years later, I continued my famed journey through my Church Play yellow brick road of excitement by playing “Tiny Tim” in A Christmas Carol. Once Mr. Jesus was no longer my theatrical director, I moved on to middle school plays – playing Captain Hook has far been surpassed as my best performance to date, easily. Much practice was necessary, but I forged through to my high school drama department, where I learned such lessons as: how to move around a stage, how to apply basic stage makeup and how to learn an entire show the morning of opening night because Farmer #3 was “grounded and [his] mother won’t let [him],” or some such ridiculousness that often occurs. Applying for College, where I knew I would be majoring in Theatre, was one of the most tedious times of my life.

And now I have a problem.

Last week, Mill Mountain Theatre, one of the most celebrated theatres in Virginia, located in Downtown Roanoke, announced that they would be closing their doors. The news of MMT closing has caused many people in the area to be very upset.  Being able to experience live theatre is one of man’s oldest pastimes, and in the past few months many theatres all over America have closed their doors to patrons and cancelled any future production plans. School fieldtrips to see local productions of Romeo and Juliet will be taken out of the class curriculum for good. People will have less opportunity to see theatre being done.

I’m in my third year as a Theatre Major and I’m scared. My education has been amazing, I’ve had experiences that I will never forget and I hope to continue having them until I graduate. But what happens next? I’ve learned how to audition and I know a good amount about the “business” side of the theatre world – but where is theatre going to be when I’m ready for it?

If the theatres go away, the money goes away and where does that put the artists? The same goes for painters or photographers -- when the galleries go away, where do you go? Naturally, we could blame the Economy, which is the reason for the many small Christmas mornings that you heard about from everyone after break.  But that aside, there needs to be more butts in the seats of the theatre. Our society has slowly lost it’s major interest in theatre. “A Night at the Theatre” has changed into “Going to a Movie” far too much in the years past and we are facing major issues.

A world without theatre is not a place in which I wish to live. So, what do we do next? We could wait around for the economy to get back on track, sure. But what should really happen is a revival of art everywhere. If we could stumble upon a new-age Renaissance, where everyone was supporting the arts and seeing it happen, we may not have these problems anymore. Unfortunately, our society seems too wrapped up in itself right now for that to happen.

So, for those of you who care: Do something about it. Help me and those of you like me -- don’t let art disappear from our lives completely. A life of black and white will destroy us all.

Save the Theatre. Support Live Art.

-Deejay Gray, The Tartan, January 27, 2009

ooh yeah, it feels good to be free.

i bought a pack of cigarettes today. fml.

i've been trying really hard not to smoke as much. everyone knows that smoking doesn't help you when you're sick like i've been. idk, i just love smoking cigarettes. i wish i didn't feel so guilty about

 smoking. whatever, i do what i want. but loogies are nasty. so maybe i'll stop eventually. once this pack is finished, i'll just bum from people if they're offering - it's worked for the past couple of weeks alright, i guess. but i think my friends hate me now haha.

i wish i had a cake right now. like, if we had milk i think i could do it actually. wait a second, i have to go check that immediately.

aw i didn't find cake mix, but i found ice cream that cathleen bought me. yay ten points for cathleen! major brain freeze. does drinking cold water actually help brain freezes?

theresa and cathleen went to walmart and wendy's before rehearsal because theresa wanted a big mac. so they got those and they got me ice cream! hoody hoo. i'm living in a dream world.

i did all of my scholarship applications today and it feels great to have that shit out of the way. apparently they messed up on the website and put the wrong dates of deadlines and stuff, so that's cool. way to be on top of things radford - not. but i have two really good references and my gpa is pretty good, so i'm stoked to see what's going to happen with that.

my cousin is going into the navy and i'm really nervous about it. i watch too much brothers & sisters to not worry about a family member in service. his "going away party" is this weekend. i'm sad about that. i mean, i know he'll be fine (knock on wood) but it's weird that he'll be so far away and seemingly out of reach. it's going to be a really hard adjustment for my entire family, i think. we're all so crazy and in each other's business and we love each other so intensely. i'm expecting a lot of tears on saturday.

something weird happened and chelsea and i were kind of weird for a while, but i think we're better now. she and i are going to get dinner. i just felt a little lost in our friendship and i was sad about it and we hadn't spoken lately. but tomorrow will be good and i'm happy about that, i guess.

setc is this weekend and i did not feel like going to a conference. like, had i gone and auditioned at vta instead of being timekeeper, i would have had a chance at getting passed on to setc like i did last year and that would have been great. but i was timekeeper because the show i directed, PROOF, was going into tech rehearsals the weekend of vta, so i thought i might have killed myself. but working vta helped me to meet people at mill mountain, so that was great too, i guess.

i'm still kind of sad about the fact that mill mountain theatre closed. it's scary to think that theatres are closing down all over the place. like, this is what i'm doing with my life and this is what's happening. i know the economy is in the shit holes, but come on. throw me a frickin' bone, life. 

i actually wrote an article for the paper about that. it was the first one i did for the insights section, so that was cool. i think i'll post that in here so i can have it in my blog. great success.

this ice cream is putting me to sleep.

the coffee was so worth it last night.

everyone should have a blog and everyone should be happy.

ambivalence killed the cat.

i'm itching to get out of school. i want to explore the world and examine a life that i haven't had the chance to live yet. but i have so much more learning to do. i'd rather learn to live by doing it than sitting around waiting for it. does that make sense?

and i haven't seen the best that love has had to offer, either.

but i haven't totally given myself a fair shot at that.

maybe one day when i can care less about myself, then i'll try at someone else.

whoa, i'm typically not that honest with myself.

it's not that i think i'm selfish, i just don't think that i'm in a place in my life right now to be able to be emotionally available to another person all the time. i get so burnt out with relationships. after three months, i start freaking out. what am i so damn scared of, anyway?

i've been trying to quit smoking. unsuccessfully.

i know: nasty breath, yellow teeth, cancer, cancer, cancer.

but i don't really care. we'll work on those things if they come up. 

i absolutely loved not having class today. snow days are so reminiscent of childhood, aren't they? not at all excited about going back to classes tomorrow.

spring break is coming up. this will be the spring break of my junior year of college, which means one more until i get out of undergrad. the thought of grad school has been breathing down my neck at an uncontrollable rate lately. how much further do i want to go with my education right now? do i want to blow my load all at once or come back to it when i might appreciate it more? i'm not sure if i'm ready for that responsibility. but you know what they say, going straight into grad school out of undergrad is sometimes a sign that you're scared to go out into the world. 

am i?

i want some coffee, but it is 12.30 and i do have class at 9.30.

whatever. maybe i'll just drink some hot chocolate instead.

what is my fascination with exposed brick? and big windows? and high ceilings? bright colors and bookshelves?

i need to go to the library. i read about a book called AMERICA ANONYMOUS: EIGHT ADDICTS IN SEARCH OF A LIFE. sounds pretty interesting. addicated to sex. addicted to drugs. addicted to food. crazy stuff. i'd like to know how people can be obsessed with eating all the time. i don't do it enough. i'm the only one who doesn't seem to think it's a problem. or maybe i know it's a problem and i'm avoiding knowing it for some reason. that's stupid, i'm smarter than that.

i'm thinking of taking a vacation from my friends for a while. not because i don't like them, but because i don't know myself sometimes. why is blue my favorite color? is that out of habit? fuck green. purple is gay and pink is for girls. oh, well. i'll grow fond of taking pictures of myself; being arts and crafty. wearing sunglasses. photoshop. typical.

there are a lot of people who are completely passionless. i mean, how can you even live like that? i would completely dissolve if i had nothing to wake up for in the morning. 

i'm rambling. but i guess that's what this is for anyway. here i come, hot chocolate. no, coffee. i've decided it's going to be coffee. i hate my 9:30 class anyway.