so, what would an angel say? the devil wants to know.

h e a v e n h e l p m e f o r t h e w a y i a m.
save me from these evil deeds before I get them done.
i know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand,
but I keep living this day like the next will never come .



i'm getting tired of it all. fakes, frauds, faults, fall outs.
why can't everything just be consistent?

i cleaned the apartment this morning. now all i want to do is clean my life.

wah wah wah. someone needs call call whine-11 and get me a waaaah-mbulance.

whatever, back to my wine, i suppose.

i'm feeling good from my head to my shoes.

i'm beautiful.

i'm beautiful.

i'm beautiful, damnit.

the vagina monologues was presented this weekend at school. i had a bunch of friends in it and it was directed by one of my role models. i absolutely loved the show. i kind of went into it thinking "ew vaginas, this is going to make me vomit," but it was actually really funny and touching at the right moments. ha! touching. the vagina monologues. i crack myself up. which reminds me: there have been so many vag jokes because of this play. so funny.

i'm working on my directing application for next year. basically, i have a lot of writing and analyzing to do. the play is FAR AWAY by caryl churchill. the play is nuts. in a nutshell: politics. war. metaphors. crazy town, usa. i love plays like this, though, so picking it apart is exciting and interesting. i'm so gay for the abstract. the application is due on tuesday and i'm pretty sure it's going to rock. i have so many weird/awesome ideas for things to be put on a stage. all i ever want to do is create. thank god that's what i'm doing with my life, haha.

i'm doing okay, i think. i've been smoking less cigarettes, which is a great success. i've been drinking less, too. actually, that's not true. i've been drinking about the same amount as i normally do, but i've been smoking less. fifty percent better? i'm not sure. i still use the computer too much. i guess one of the things is that i've been too busy to sit around, so maybe that's why it feels like i've been on the computer less, but i really haven't. i had a tricky time with that one just now.

PEOPLE NEED TO LEARN TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEMSELVES.

i'm kind of tired of having to clean up after the people who come into my apartment. i love my room mates and i love everyone who comes to my apartment on a regular basis, but if i didn't feel like i was babysitting 24/7 i would be so much more enjoyable to have around, i think. i try not to stay in my room all the time, but whenever i go into the living room, there are normally people scattered about with their own individual messes that will be left to be cleaned up by someone else. i try to drop hints and i try to avoid being a bitch, but i guess people can't catch a clue (-- i just accidently typed blue and laughed). it'd be nice to feel like i was around a bunch of responsible adults, but that's just not how it is.

i'm wondering when you get to the point in college when you're less like a child and more like an adult. i guess i struggle to see that in a lot of other people and not myself as much. i am always the first person to admit that i'm wrong and i am also very good at knowing when i've done something wrong. i think my morals are pretty much in tact in all the right places. but having fun with your life doesn't mean you're immature, it means you know how to have fun, right?

i found out that a girl that came into the theatre department as a freshman like i did just popped out a baby. isn't that crazy. i was working on a play with that girl just two and a half years ago and, since losing touch for a while, now she's got a baby! holy smokes. i can't imagine being responsible for a child at, what, 21? i look around at some of the people i see every day in class and i can't imagine those people being responsible for a child either. however, many of those people are barely able to manage their own lives, much less another one. but let me tell you this: when the day comes that i feel i am emotionally and financially able to have a kid, i'm going to have one. i'm not sure how yet (i mean, i understand the obvious stipulations of course) but it's going to happen somehow.

i guess i should probably find someone to have a baby with, then, hmm? cathleen and i would make a pretty baby. maybe i'll ask her to make me a baby. she loves me enough.

whoa, when did it get to be past 1 am. i need to go to bed. all i want is a glass of milk and a cookie. and a baby. damnit.

wait, do you see my heart on my sleeve?

i'm in such a weird mood today. i have a lot of work to get done, but i'm procrastinating {as usual} and doing everything except the things that i need to do. for some reason, i've had the worst time focusing lately. even reading, i find that i'm thinking of other things, but still looking at and recognizing all of the words that appear before me. what does that mean? i'm distracted by everything and it's killing me. 

i'm too attached to my computer. no person should be on their computer as much as i am. but what do i do? i listen to music and refresh my Facebook page a thousand times in a row. unhealthy. i'm a freak. my friend andrew deactivated his Facebook account because he felt like he was on there too much. maybe that's something i should think about. i mean, why do i use it? i like to keep in touch with people and see what's going on with other people's lives. i'm obsessed with connection, i think. or, maybe i'm just nosy. i wonder if i could spend a week without being on the computer. do i care enough about this attachment to detach myself, though? i never read anymore, unless it's online or i have to do it for class. i never read for fun anymore and that's something that used to be so important to me. i used to go through so many books in a week and what do i do now? wow, embarrassing.

i don't understand the whole philosophy of being really secretive - especially from your friends. like, what is that? shouldn't we be sharing our life experiences and world views? lately, i've felt like people are keeping things from me. things that they tell other people, but not me. why is that? i know i have a big mouth, but i'm also a good friend. wait, i am a good friend, right? i wonder if i actually believe that. i hate being left out and i hate feeling like there's a reason for it. am i so disillusioned to believe that everyone wants to let me know everything or am i optimistic? there's such a thin line between the two. i pray for the latter.

or, maybe i'm just giving it all away. maybe i should learn to keep things to myself more often. is keeping secrets from everyone else healthy? are there things in our own worlds that need to be kept in one place? god, i ask so many questions. i wish i could be sure of something for once.

i'm so down on myself lately. i feel like i'm useless, dumb and untalented. i'm tired of feeling sorry for myself all the time. but how do you go about fixing that? i wish i could just put a huge band-aid on my life and wait for it to heal. wouldn't that be so cool? to be able to just have all of the problems in our lives eliminated in such an easy fashion. but that's too easy and nothing comes that easy in life, right? isn't that what we're always told by everyone around us? suck it up, kid. make things work for yourself. turn that frown upside down.

i need to get over myself and smile a bit, pussy cat. i'm gonna go snuggle with sam and laugh like little kids...and tomorrow i'll get everything i need to get done finished.

thank god there's always a tomorrow to look forward to. if for no other reason than for it to have the potential to be better than the day previous.

too much of your mouth is like too much sun.

i want to completely change almost everything about my life.

no one on the corner have swagger like us.

i don't have any classes today. my nutrition class was canceled because it's almost spring break and my teacher is a nice young lady who hasn't become jaded yet. wesley canceled acting class because a lot of people in the class are already gone to setc anyway. so, the room mates and i have been wasting the morning away. i love days like this.

i just called highlander pizza to order lunch and the lady and i could not have had a more confusing time understanding each other. she hated me, too. i was saying all the wrong things and it was the worst conversation i've ever had in my life. i hate days like this.

i'm really digging my new obsession with blogging. i've had so many before, but i've always seemed to not actually be into it for some reason. it's like i've liked the idea of having a blog, but never really used it properly. idk. but i'm stoked about this one because i seem to actually be updating it. maybe because i don't expect people to read it now like i have before? i'm not sure, but i guess whatever my reason for doing it isn't that important as long as i'm doing it. weird sentence. moving on.

my grandma asked me to 'go out to the theatre' with her next week for when i'm supposed to be home for spring break. i think i'd rather come back home after charlie's going away party and be here by myself and get some work done. i always say i'm going to get work done and i fart around on facebook all day.  whatever. i did laundry and the dishes just now, i'm not going to be hard on myself haha.

we took out three huge black trash bags full of beer (and soda?) cans and bottles to take to recycle and the maintenance man took them out to the dumpster when he came and fixed our washing machine at the butt-crack of dawn this morning. i heard someone knock on the door and i was laying in bed naked and i knew i didn't have the morning energy to get clothes on and answer the door for   a n y b o d y ! luckily, my room mates boyfriend aka my other room mate, adam, got the door and let the dude fix the washer. side note: i hate that fucking washing machine, it breaks every fucking week.

holy shit, my pizza just got here. delicious times.

erin bresse is coming to my apartment right now and i'm very excited. i love erin so much. she's always willing to talk about whatever or do whatever and is always so enthusiastic about everything. any and all haters should see life more simply and enjoy the presence of good people and good times. whoa, where did that come from? anyway, bresse and i are always up to some silly shenanigans and laughing at each other and that's what's important in life, i think.

i have a lot of reading to do over break. i went and checked out 10 plays and a book about theatre from the library last night with theresa. we have a book report due in acting class, so we both wanted to get a lot of reading material for break. so far, i've looked through two of them and read one of them. smoking cigarettes on my back porch when the sun is warm, reading a book is one of my favorite things to do.

actually, i think i'll do that now. the day is beautiful and i'm happy.

article for the school paper - i'm awesome

Okay, I have a problem. When I was 3 years old, I was cast as Baby Jesus in my Church’s Christmas Extravaganza. A few years later, I continued my famed journey through my Church Play yellow brick road of excitement by playing “Tiny Tim” in A Christmas Carol. Once Mr. Jesus was no longer my theatrical director, I moved on to middle school plays – playing Captain Hook has far been surpassed as my best performance to date, easily. Much practice was necessary, but I forged through to my high school drama department, where I learned such lessons as: how to move around a stage, how to apply basic stage makeup and how to learn an entire show the morning of opening night because Farmer #3 was “grounded and [his] mother won’t let [him],” or some such ridiculousness that often occurs. Applying for College, where I knew I would be majoring in Theatre, was one of the most tedious times of my life.

And now I have a problem.

Last week, Mill Mountain Theatre, one of the most celebrated theatres in Virginia, located in Downtown Roanoke, announced that they would be closing their doors. The news of MMT closing has caused many people in the area to be very upset.  Being able to experience live theatre is one of man’s oldest pastimes, and in the past few months many theatres all over America have closed their doors to patrons and cancelled any future production plans. School fieldtrips to see local productions of Romeo and Juliet will be taken out of the class curriculum for good. People will have less opportunity to see theatre being done.

I’m in my third year as a Theatre Major and I’m scared. My education has been amazing, I’ve had experiences that I will never forget and I hope to continue having them until I graduate. But what happens next? I’ve learned how to audition and I know a good amount about the “business” side of the theatre world – but where is theatre going to be when I’m ready for it?

If the theatres go away, the money goes away and where does that put the artists? The same goes for painters or photographers -- when the galleries go away, where do you go? Naturally, we could blame the Economy, which is the reason for the many small Christmas mornings that you heard about from everyone after break.  But that aside, there needs to be more butts in the seats of the theatre. Our society has slowly lost it’s major interest in theatre. “A Night at the Theatre” has changed into “Going to a Movie” far too much in the years past and we are facing major issues.

A world without theatre is not a place in which I wish to live. So, what do we do next? We could wait around for the economy to get back on track, sure. But what should really happen is a revival of art everywhere. If we could stumble upon a new-age Renaissance, where everyone was supporting the arts and seeing it happen, we may not have these problems anymore. Unfortunately, our society seems too wrapped up in itself right now for that to happen.

So, for those of you who care: Do something about it. Help me and those of you like me -- don’t let art disappear from our lives completely. A life of black and white will destroy us all.

Save the Theatre. Support Live Art.

-Deejay Gray, The Tartan, January 27, 2009

ooh yeah, it feels good to be free.

i bought a pack of cigarettes today. fml.

i've been trying really hard not to smoke as much. everyone knows that smoking doesn't help you when you're sick like i've been. idk, i just love smoking cigarettes. i wish i didn't feel so guilty about

 smoking. whatever, i do what i want. but loogies are nasty. so maybe i'll stop eventually. once this pack is finished, i'll just bum from people if they're offering - it's worked for the past couple of weeks alright, i guess. but i think my friends hate me now haha.

i wish i had a cake right now. like, if we had milk i think i could do it actually. wait a second, i have to go check that immediately.

aw i didn't find cake mix, but i found ice cream that cathleen bought me. yay ten points for cathleen! major brain freeze. does drinking cold water actually help brain freezes?

theresa and cathleen went to walmart and wendy's before rehearsal because theresa wanted a big mac. so they got those and they got me ice cream! hoody hoo. i'm living in a dream world.

i did all of my scholarship applications today and it feels great to have that shit out of the way. apparently they messed up on the website and put the wrong dates of deadlines and stuff, so that's cool. way to be on top of things radford - not. but i have two really good references and my gpa is pretty good, so i'm stoked to see what's going to happen with that.

my cousin is going into the navy and i'm really nervous about it. i watch too much brothers & sisters to not worry about a family member in service. his "going away party" is this weekend. i'm sad about that. i mean, i know he'll be fine (knock on wood) but it's weird that he'll be so far away and seemingly out of reach. it's going to be a really hard adjustment for my entire family, i think. we're all so crazy and in each other's business and we love each other so intensely. i'm expecting a lot of tears on saturday.

something weird happened and chelsea and i were kind of weird for a while, but i think we're better now. she and i are going to get dinner. i just felt a little lost in our friendship and i was sad about it and we hadn't spoken lately. but tomorrow will be good and i'm happy about that, i guess.

setc is this weekend and i did not feel like going to a conference. like, had i gone and auditioned at vta instead of being timekeeper, i would have had a chance at getting passed on to setc like i did last year and that would have been great. but i was timekeeper because the show i directed, PROOF, was going into tech rehearsals the weekend of vta, so i thought i might have killed myself. but working vta helped me to meet people at mill mountain, so that was great too, i guess.

i'm still kind of sad about the fact that mill mountain theatre closed. it's scary to think that theatres are closing down all over the place. like, this is what i'm doing with my life and this is what's happening. i know the economy is in the shit holes, but come on. throw me a frickin' bone, life. 

i actually wrote an article for the paper about that. it was the first one i did for the insights section, so that was cool. i think i'll post that in here so i can have it in my blog. great success.

this ice cream is putting me to sleep.

the coffee was so worth it last night.

everyone should have a blog and everyone should be happy.

ambivalence killed the cat.

i'm itching to get out of school. i want to explore the world and examine a life that i haven't had the chance to live yet. but i have so much more learning to do. i'd rather learn to live by doing it than sitting around waiting for it. does that make sense?

and i haven't seen the best that love has had to offer, either.

but i haven't totally given myself a fair shot at that.

maybe one day when i can care less about myself, then i'll try at someone else.

whoa, i'm typically not that honest with myself.

it's not that i think i'm selfish, i just don't think that i'm in a place in my life right now to be able to be emotionally available to another person all the time. i get so burnt out with relationships. after three months, i start freaking out. what am i so damn scared of, anyway?

i've been trying to quit smoking. unsuccessfully.

i know: nasty breath, yellow teeth, cancer, cancer, cancer.

but i don't really care. we'll work on those things if they come up. 

i absolutely loved not having class today. snow days are so reminiscent of childhood, aren't they? not at all excited about going back to classes tomorrow.

spring break is coming up. this will be the spring break of my junior year of college, which means one more until i get out of undergrad. the thought of grad school has been breathing down my neck at an uncontrollable rate lately. how much further do i want to go with my education right now? do i want to blow my load all at once or come back to it when i might appreciate it more? i'm not sure if i'm ready for that responsibility. but you know what they say, going straight into grad school out of undergrad is sometimes a sign that you're scared to go out into the world. 

am i?

i want some coffee, but it is 12.30 and i do have class at 9.30.

whatever. maybe i'll just drink some hot chocolate instead.

what is my fascination with exposed brick? and big windows? and high ceilings? bright colors and bookshelves?

i need to go to the library. i read about a book called AMERICA ANONYMOUS: EIGHT ADDICTS IN SEARCH OF A LIFE. sounds pretty interesting. addicated to sex. addicted to drugs. addicted to food. crazy stuff. i'd like to know how people can be obsessed with eating all the time. i don't do it enough. i'm the only one who doesn't seem to think it's a problem. or maybe i know it's a problem and i'm avoiding knowing it for some reason. that's stupid, i'm smarter than that.

i'm thinking of taking a vacation from my friends for a while. not because i don't like them, but because i don't know myself sometimes. why is blue my favorite color? is that out of habit? fuck green. purple is gay and pink is for girls. oh, well. i'll grow fond of taking pictures of myself; being arts and crafty. wearing sunglasses. photoshop. typical.

there are a lot of people who are completely passionless. i mean, how can you even live like that? i would completely dissolve if i had nothing to wake up for in the morning. 

i'm rambling. but i guess that's what this is for anyway. here i come, hot chocolate. no, coffee. i've decided it's going to be coffee. i hate my 9:30 class anyway.