oops, i made another one.

http://deejaygray.tumblr.com/

add me there.

<3

all bark and no bite.

first of all, the new mandy moore cd is surprisingly good. download 'fern dell' or 'merrimack river' ...this album is a lot more 'coffee shop' than anything she's ever done. i caught myself listening to 'fern dell' on repeat for like an hour yesterday. idk, check it out if you want.

so i have some sort of a virus that has been making me miserable for about a week and to say that i'm over it is a huge understatement. i hate being sick: snotty noses, upset stomachs, terrible migranes, coughing up my damn lungs. i mean, why can't i just be healthy all the time and just be like 'no thanks' whenever i'm feeling ill? that'd be nice, right?

my brother graduates from high school on friday night. it's weird to think that he's going through what i was going through 3 years ago. (wow, it's already been 3 years since i graduated from high school?) he hates school so much, whereas i loved it, but i guess it's a relief to graduate no matter how much you like/dislike it. i don't know what he plans to do when he's done with school, which makes me a little bit uncomfortable. i've known exactly what i wanted to do with my life ever since i was a baby. shit, i even remember practicing my Oscar acceptance speech in the mirror with a hair brush as my award. but to think that he doesn't really know what to do is strange. ambivalence killed the cat, i say. but walter is a smart kid and i love him and he's going to be fine. if worse comes to worse, i can hire him to clean my Oscar every once in a while when i get it, right?

the past couple of days have been pretty intense. theresa, allen and i went on a road trip to kentucky to see our professor, wesley's, play that he was directing. the travel time from here to there is supposed to be a little bit over 7 hours, but we got lost in the 6th hour and the trip went to shit at that moment. i asked allen if he wanted me to print out the mapquest directions, but since wes had already given him directions, i was told that i didn't need to print anything out; "we're perfectly fine." - wrong. it took us about 5 hours to finally get to the theatre. needless to say we had missed the entire show. we called everyone (theresa's dad was on the phone with us for a solid hour, guiding us to the light at the end of a very dark and ridiculous kentucky tunnel of confusion) to figure out where we were and what we needed to do. getting lost is something i hate more than anything else in the entire world. unfortunately, it happens to me a lot because i have ZERO sense of direction. we called wes to see where he wanted to meet up with us. he didn't want to meet up with us. he was tired. he needed to drive back the next morning. i'm devastated to say the very least. we traveled so far to see a play with a plot that none of us especially cared to see, but we wanted to support our professor, and more importantly, our friend. i don't know if the latter is so much true anymore. it broke my heart to hear him tell me that i should turn around and drive back. i didn't have to wake up the next morning and drive home, i had to do it then. what kind of an educator does that to their students? more importantly, what kind of a friend does that to a person? the very least he could have done was said hey and thanks for attempting to see his show. i'm sure he was sad that we didn't make it to the performance, but we were as well. i don't know what to say to him when i talk to him next. i want to say that i'm hurt. i want to say that i haven't been this hurt by someone in a long time. i want to tell him that he's selfish. i want to tell him that he's rude. but i can't say those things to him, he's my professor. even though he's my friend, he can turn the switch from pal to disciplinarian at any second.... you think you know a person and come to find out, you don't know anything.

living with erin has been really funny. i'm glad she's here. i miss sam a lot, but it's nice that erin fills that void. not that sam and erin are especially similar, but erin and i laugh a lot together and we like to spend our time together. i think everyone needs to have people around them constantly who make them feel important or make them happy. and erin does that and i hope i do that for her as well. she got a job at a coffee shop and she's pretty stoked about it. starting today, she and i are going to be at work at the same time and playing with each other as soon as we're out, so that's a great success. we put pictures of president garfield in our rooms... because we like lasagna. obviously.

i guess i don't really have a lot else to say. i've been depressed lately. i hate worrying about money and i hate how money effects the people around me. 

i'm realizing that i've wasted a lot of my time on people who don't matter to me. in the grand scheme of things, there are very few people i value a lot in my life. but more importantly, there are fewer people that i care a lot about and know care about me as well. i just feel like maybe i need to weed people out of my life. not to be mean to them, but to keep myself sane. and i also think it's okay to be selfish. i don't understand why there is such a negative light cast on making sure that you look out for yourself. would i ever do something bad to someone to advance myself? i don't think so. but do i worry about my own well-being? of course. and you should too.

this chaos, this calamity.

i didn't do a project for my nutrition class. fail. it was a weekly log of the things we ate every day. i resisted and decided that i didnt need the points and could make it up with extra credit and killer final -- i know i have bad eating habits. i've had issues like this since i was in high school, so it's whatever. my professor asked me to come meet with her about not doing the project and we scheduled a time and i went today to chit chat. i didn't intend on having the conversation with her that i ended up having. she's adorable. she asked me about my day and i told her about how i had to get up and be in a site specific dance piece and she asked me about it...it was cute. then she was like 'so why didn't you do that one project, deej?' and i was like 'i kinda forgot about it' - lie, 'and i did all of the extra credit to try to make up for it, i guess.' she gave me a couple options about what i could to do improve my grade (i really want at least a B and it's close) and started talking about how in the project you have to spend so much time logging the meals... and i started to cry. WHAT?! i mean, it was so weird because i had no idea i was going to end up talking to her about my stupid food problems. the look on her face after i told her almost made me dissolve. she took the project grade out of my percentages - she is going to completely disregard those absent grades when calculating my final grade. i was so surprised that she was so understanding and fully supportive and kind toward me and my situation. wow. i've been better lately, though, i think.

you can paint your number on my face, but i'm not into sleeping at someone else's place.

so, a lot is going on right now.

i'm at the end of my junior year of college. weird. which obviously also means i'm almost in my last year of undergrad. when did that even happen? when did i get to be here so quickly? time really does fly...

we had an end of year picnic at the park and it was really precious. some of us had too much to drink. "some of us" being me and my room mates. almost the entire theatre department played kickball in the rain and it was one of the coolest things ever. it was POURING DOWN and we were all just stoked to be together. i'm going to miss these people so much over the summer. like, i love them so much. we spend hours upon hours together in rehearsals and classes and it's hard not to get really attached to people... they were my friends and now they're my family. chelsea made a slideshow, but i haven't seen it yet. i haven't said goodbye to a lot of people like i would normally. i'm scared of saying bye this time for some reason. i don't know why.

last night i went to a friend's apartment to study for my dance history & philosophy final (WHICH WAS AT 8AM) and on the way in the rain, i slipped on a beer bottle and stumbled a little bit in front of some people on their porch. they were waiting for blood, i think. too bad i tricked them. hours later when i left, it was raining harder and i was wearing jorts and i was cold and miserable and that same fucking beer bottle came out of nowhere and i tripped into a puddle. remind me again why i hate my life?

i woke up at 4am to vom. i was full of booze and greasy food and i guess my stomach wasn't feeling it. then i cried because i thought i had the swine flu. then i pulled up my big boy pants and realized i was just an idiot. i still haven't been able to eat anything. that's a lie, i had two bites of a blueberry biscuit, which made me want to die. worst.

my math final kicked my ass. i hope i pass the class. it would have helped if i would have gone to class. i think i did okay on my dance final. not sure what i'll get in that class. my philosophy and nutrition finals are tomorrow. no clue how those are going to end up. i don't have anything on wednesday except a dance performance in the morning that i don't know yet. then my acting final is on thursday, which is going to kick ass. i have a book report, rehearsal journal and class journals to finish and turn in and then i have to do my scene for a grade. rachel and i are doing a scene from 'torch song trilogy' by harvey fierstein. basically i'm this gay man (weird) named arnold and his lover recently got murdered in a hate crime and the scene consists of a really dramatic fight between arnold and his mother (played by rachel blankenship). i love how i don't care about anything except for my theatre class. my gpa used to be super duper, but... things change.

with the semester ending, i'm going home for a few days. i'll hopefully get to see some people and do some sassy things. i doubt it, though. i always end up getting really weird and depressed when i go home. maybe it's because i'm a nomad? honestly, i just stay at random places with various people. i always go look at my old house, though. which makes me sad most of the time. i just really miss jara. and i miss sam. and i miss sarosi. and i miss richmond... i miss home. but old home, not 'home' that i have now. i want to sit on my old porch or swim in my old pool, lay in the grass in the front yard.

i can't believe i'm only 20.

the boys are too refined

things are really good right now and i have a lot of hope for the future.

medea ran this weekend and i'm have pretty bitter sweet thoughts about it now. sure, i'm glad i get my afternoon and evenings back - no more meetings throughout the day, rehearsals or performances. but on the other hand, this is the last show i'm going to be working on with some pretty important people who are about to graduate. rachael lang is such an inspiration. she spent hours and hours working and developing her perception of medea. she gave a stunning performance and everyone who saw the show and said anything to me commented on her vocal work in the production. john long was a great jason. he was strong and smart and he worked very hard on the role and he gave a great performance as well. i'm sad to not get to work with either of these people again (in school, that is). rachael was in my first directing project at school - we directed scenes in directing 1 class and she was 'becca' in my rabbit hole scene. john was in my first one-act, line last spring. both of them were great to work with and now they're going on into the real world. i guess my biggest hangup with the entire 'missing people' situation is that they get to go and do their thing, but i'm still in school waiting to do the same. it's weird, too, because i feel like i have a huge case of 'senioritis,' which is ridiculous because i'm only at the end of my junior year. those thoughts have got to go because i won't have time to be a piece of shit.

other exciting news: i found out today that i'm directing a main stage show next year! i'm so excited. it's the first time a student has directed on the main stage in about 5 years, so that's pretty awesome too. the show is liza and the riddling cave and it's about this mute girl who's father goes missing into the Appalachian mountains where there is a magic cave where anyone who goes inside gets frozen if they can't answer the cave's riddle. basically nobody thinks liza is worth a damn, especially her mother, but the girl is really close with her father and she's devastated when her father doesn't come home. her and her brother decide they need to go find their dad and long story short, liza - whose only talent is solving riddles - solves the riddle to free her father from the icy cave, which is possessed by the first two people to get trapped in the cave. it's a children's show, so the script is pretty simple and that makes it really open to interpretation. i'm thinking that with my production, i want to introduce the kids (probably 5th graders) to modern dance. i have a few reasons for that: 1) starting next year, we're going to be 'the school of dance & theatre' and that will be a great way to begin integrated people into this new collaborative effort that is going to leave a bunch of people feeling slightly alienated, unfortunately. 2) i like modern dance a lot and i think the story allots to movement, seeing as how liza is mute. i'll probably cast a dancer or a very movement oriented actress into the title role and go from there. 3) i've never seen a kids show like that. also, i already know i want to have a crazy light show. i think spectacle is going to be everything with this production. i also want to work with musicians. i want everything for this show, actually.

and if all else goes well, i'll hopefully have an independent study my last semester, where i get to direct something outside of the school and have it performed in the studio. that'd be pretty ridiculous. it's so great to think about the possibilities, isn't it? 

i've decided a long time ago that i want to start my own theatre company. i want to be able to produce high-quality, technologically forward theatre to a young and enthusiastic audience. i want to enlighten and inspire the community. i want to introduce new works into the theatre world and maintain and often rethink the ones that are already a staple in theatre history. i want to work with artists who have the same passions as i do. i really just want to make art and support myself by doing so. the real problem lies in HOW it's going to happen. really, though. i need to know.

i have a performance year-end review, a directing year-end review and a technical year-end review. i'm going to be reviewed out by the end of this week. i'll be talking about stage managing medea and box office management and probably possibly designing next year since i'm taking the intro to design class. melissa is directing rabbit hole and i'd love to do costumes or set for that - how cool would that be? any experience to make me more delicious to employers is what i'm looking for at this point haha. oh and john klenk is directing hal pinter's the homecoming and that's going to be amazing as well. i'd love to get cast in some shows when i'm not directing next year, but i won't hold my breath. that is really the only thing i haven't felt like i've been given the right chance at: having a really big, juicy role. i've been working so hard in acting class this year and i feel like it's about damn time, yanno?

until next time...

stand up or shut up.

A couple weeks ago, I sat in amazement while listening in the Open Forum held on campus to discuss the university’s budget and program revision plans. People were pissed. People had opinions. And no one was scared to talk about them. And now I sit at my desk and I look at my calendar and we are currently in the month of April in the year 2009. It’s strange to think that the closest I’ve gotten to a protest or a riot is sitting patiently and getting nervous when someone nicely asked a question that I thought was going to strike a wrong nerve with someone else in the auditorium. Frankly, I was anxious for the potential confrontation. Which is strange, because if we rewound through history, we could place ourselves in a time when you could simply go into the streets and start a quasi-revolution with your neighbors over the prices at the local market. A few years ago, when I would read about widespread National Disapproval of our Present, I thought: why is no one doing something about this? Why aren’t we standing up for our rights? So even today, if there are so many problems that need to be fixed, and so many people are being so negatively affected, then why aren’t we standing up and saying something about it?

There are a few ways to look at this issue. One would be that we think our concerns will go unnoticed. What we have here is the typical “my vote wouldn’t count” or “what good can one person do?” analogy that has been a negative attribute in our society around election times forever. Throughout history, the complaints of the people have often gone unnoticed. Six years ago last month, when our troops went into Iraq, the American people let out an almost unanimous breath of discontent. Many people wondered why we were putting ourselves into that position and for what valid reasons we should stay. Sure, reaching out and lending a helping hand to a needing neighbor is something that we should all encourage, but if our country is being divided over it, how much help are we giving our own country?

On the opposite side of the spectrum, maybe people feel that their concerns are actually being addressed and dealt with, thus not needing to say anything. Since the election of President Obama, it seems that many people feel as if the problems they have will be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel very soon. The Obama Administration is reassuring to many people: they seem to accept that our country is not in the best place and that there is a lot of change that needs to happen before we can start to sleep a little bit more easily at night. So until that day comes, a lot of folks are wading time and keeping faith in the leaders of our land to see us all through.

Another way to think about it is the current status of technology in the world. In my opinion, technology separates us in a much more serious fashion than we may have previously thought. Sure, as I sit at my laptop and write this, I’m falling victim to that as well, but when was the last time you went somewhere and didn’t encounter at least one person with their cell phones in tact, furiously texting away? And I know for a fact that more than half of most college campuses are filled with constant Facebook-ers, constantly updating their statuses to inform everyone of their own issues. So, why are we limiting these problems to our fingertips? Why aren’t we speaking out and escaping the blog-osphere and letting people hear what our issues with our world are today? We can’t help to get rid of the poor public school systems or resolve the same-sex marriage issues and come to an understanding if we don’t act out on our most often passionate feelings on the subjects.

Something else to consider is the thought that there are many people who remain completely uninformed of issues that threaten our daily lives because they are not in the direct aim of fire.  Mommy and Daddy gives them enough money to support their shoe fetish and have enough left over to spend on booze over the weekend, so they keep themselves detached from what people are calling the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression. It is our responsibility as citizens to make ourselves knowledgeable of the problems around us, whether they directly involve us or not. We shouldn’t wait around to get shot in the face to know about the Gun Show Loophole travesty. There is no time like now to start opening your ears and eyes to what is around you.

Or maybe people are simply embarrassed. They don’t want to say anything about those people at work who are getting laid off because the company they have been working for since before their last child was born is going under. No one wants to upset the American Dream: two and a half kids with a white-picket fence around beautiful homes. Sometimes admitting that you have a problem is the hardest part. But instead, it seems that people are satisfied with keeping their mouths shut and struggling to pay their bills at the end of the month.

Things have got to change. We can no longer sit idly by while we see our rights being taken away or our worlds changing in a way that we don’t want it to. The fate of our country – and more importantly, our own future are constantly at stake and who better to fix our problems than you and me? It is our moral obligation to search for hope in a time when hope can seem so far away. Whether it be going to an open forum and expressing frustration with your academic program losing funding or standing up as being a busy arts student saying that your days are packed and making people aware of it, we can all do our job in simple revolutions that shape our world. Anger can turn itself into something powerful; whining on your Facebook status or personal blog is no way to effectively promote change. However, using those as means of civil advancement is a starting point. That very anger can inspire real criticism, nonviolent public noncompliance. Only then will we be able to improve our shared society into a place we all want to live – furiously invading the streets, taking a deep breath and actually talking to one another about our issues. We are currently in a pivotal moment in history and apathy is killing the nation; so, honestly we need to stand up or shut up.

so, what would an angel say? the devil wants to know.

h e a v e n h e l p m e f o r t h e w a y i a m.
save me from these evil deeds before I get them done.
i know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand,
but I keep living this day like the next will never come .



i'm getting tired of it all. fakes, frauds, faults, fall outs.
why can't everything just be consistent?

i cleaned the apartment this morning. now all i want to do is clean my life.

wah wah wah. someone needs call call whine-11 and get me a waaaah-mbulance.

whatever, back to my wine, i suppose.