first of all, the new mandy moore cd is surprisingly good. download 'fern dell' or 'merrimack river' ...this album is a lot more 'coffee shop' than anything she's ever done. i caught myself listening to 'fern dell' on repeat for like an hour yesterday. idk, check it out if you want.
my brother graduates from high school on friday night. it's weird to think that he's going through what i was going through 3 years ago. (wow, it's already been 3 years since i graduated from high school?) he hates school so much, whereas i loved it, but i guess it's a relief to graduate no matter how much you like/dislike it. i don't know what he plans to do when he's done with school, which makes me a little bit uncomfortable. i've known exactly what i wanted to do with my life ever since i was a baby. shit, i even remember practicing my Oscar acceptance speech in the mirror with a hair brush as my award. but to think that he doesn't really know what to do is strange. ambivalence killed the cat, i say. but walter is a smart kid and i love him and he's going to be fine. if worse comes to worse, i can hire him to clean my Oscar every once in a while when i get it, right?
the past couple of days have been pretty intense. theresa, allen and i went on a road trip to kentucky to see our professor, wesley's, play that he was directing. the travel time from here to there is supposed to be a little bit over 7 hours, but we got lost in the 6th hour and the trip went to shit at that moment. i asked allen if he wanted me to print out the mapquest directions, but since wes had already given him directions, i was told that i didn't need to print anything out; "we're perfectly fine." - wrong. it took us about 5 hours to finally get to the theatre. needless to say we had missed the entire show. we called everyone (theresa's dad was on the phone with us for a solid hour, guiding us to the light at the end of a very dark and ridiculous kentucky tunnel of confusion) to figure out where we were and what we needed to do. getting lost is something i hate more than anything else in the entire world. unfortunately, it happens to me a lot because i have ZERO sense of direction. we called wes to see where he wanted to meet up with us. he didn't want to meet up with us. he was tired. he needed to drive back the next morning. i'm devastated to say the very least. we traveled so far to see a play with a plot that none of us especially cared to see, but we wanted to support our professor, and more importantly, our friend. i don't know if the latter is so much true anymore. it broke my heart to hear him tell me that i should turn around and drive back. i didn't have to wake up the next morning and drive home, i had to do it then. what kind of an educator does that to their students? more importantly, what kind of a friend does that to a person? the very least he could have done was said hey and thanks for attempting to see his show. i'm sure he was sad that we didn't make it to the performance, but we were as well. i don't know what to say to him when i talk to him next. i want to say that i'm hurt. i want to say that i haven't been this hurt by someone in a long time. i want to tell him that he's selfish. i want to tell him that he's rude. but i can't say those things to him, he's my professor. even though he's my friend, he can turn the switch from pal to disciplinarian at any second.... you think you know a person and come to find out, you don't know anything.
living with erin has been really funny. i'm glad she's here. i miss sam a lot, but it's nice that erin fills that void. not that sam and erin are especially similar, but erin and i laugh a lot together and we like to spend our time together. i think everyone needs to have people around them constantly who make them feel important or make them happy. and erin does that and i hope i do that for her as well. she got a job at a coffee shop and she's pretty stoked about it. starting today, she and i are going to be at work at the same time and playing with each other as soon as we're out, so that's a great success. we put pictures of president garfield in our rooms... because we like lasagna. obviously.
i guess i don't really have a lot else to say. i've been depressed lately. i hate worrying about money and i hate how money effects the people around me.
i'm realizing that i've wasted a lot of my time on people who don't matter to me. in the grand scheme of things, there are very few people i value a lot in my life. but more importantly, there are fewer people that i care a lot about and know care about me as well. i just feel like maybe i need to weed people out of my life. not to be mean to them, but to keep myself sane. and i also think it's okay to be selfish. i don't understand why there is such a negative light cast on making sure that you look out for yourself. would i ever do something bad to someone to advance myself? i don't think so. but do i worry about my own well-being? of course. and you should too.
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