ambivalence killed the cat.

i'm itching to get out of school. i want to explore the world and examine a life that i haven't had the chance to live yet. but i have so much more learning to do. i'd rather learn to live by doing it than sitting around waiting for it. does that make sense?

and i haven't seen the best that love has had to offer, either.

but i haven't totally given myself a fair shot at that.

maybe one day when i can care less about myself, then i'll try at someone else.

whoa, i'm typically not that honest with myself.

it's not that i think i'm selfish, i just don't think that i'm in a place in my life right now to be able to be emotionally available to another person all the time. i get so burnt out with relationships. after three months, i start freaking out. what am i so damn scared of, anyway?

i've been trying to quit smoking. unsuccessfully.

i know: nasty breath, yellow teeth, cancer, cancer, cancer.

but i don't really care. we'll work on those things if they come up. 

i absolutely loved not having class today. snow days are so reminiscent of childhood, aren't they? not at all excited about going back to classes tomorrow.

spring break is coming up. this will be the spring break of my junior year of college, which means one more until i get out of undergrad. the thought of grad school has been breathing down my neck at an uncontrollable rate lately. how much further do i want to go with my education right now? do i want to blow my load all at once or come back to it when i might appreciate it more? i'm not sure if i'm ready for that responsibility. but you know what they say, going straight into grad school out of undergrad is sometimes a sign that you're scared to go out into the world. 

am i?

i want some coffee, but it is 12.30 and i do have class at 9.30.

whatever. maybe i'll just drink some hot chocolate instead.

what is my fascination with exposed brick? and big windows? and high ceilings? bright colors and bookshelves?

i need to go to the library. i read about a book called AMERICA ANONYMOUS: EIGHT ADDICTS IN SEARCH OF A LIFE. sounds pretty interesting. addicated to sex. addicted to drugs. addicted to food. crazy stuff. i'd like to know how people can be obsessed with eating all the time. i don't do it enough. i'm the only one who doesn't seem to think it's a problem. or maybe i know it's a problem and i'm avoiding knowing it for some reason. that's stupid, i'm smarter than that.

i'm thinking of taking a vacation from my friends for a while. not because i don't like them, but because i don't know myself sometimes. why is blue my favorite color? is that out of habit? fuck green. purple is gay and pink is for girls. oh, well. i'll grow fond of taking pictures of myself; being arts and crafty. wearing sunglasses. photoshop. typical.

there are a lot of people who are completely passionless. i mean, how can you even live like that? i would completely dissolve if i had nothing to wake up for in the morning. 

i'm rambling. but i guess that's what this is for anyway. here i come, hot chocolate. no, coffee. i've decided it's going to be coffee. i hate my 9:30 class anyway.